De'ja' Vu

Last night was a very difficult conversation with Bubba. He told me about a friend of his who he didn't want to converse with on the phone. He wanted to text her. Puzzling I know. She switched schools just before Easter to a neighboring school district. Why did she have to switch, did she move? Nope she got pregnant and baby daddy told his friends she was a whore. That girl is 14 or 15; Bubba's age (same age as I when I got pregnant with Superdaddy's baby way when). My heart hurts just thinking about it. I guess when she told the daddy, he promised her the world and then she was being called these names and well, I hope she smarted up with him.

Continuing letter to past

9th grade, that was a blast. Too bad for Bubba now, I already know the tricks. If mom only knew what I really did when she dropped me off at school, she would kill me. Superdaddy what the hell were we thinking? Your mom/step father would have killed us as well if he ever found out. I guess I don't understand how or why you quit coming around. I know what reason you gave and it makes perfect sense but it still hurt like a bitch. I guess forever meant unless parents interfered.

High school sucked without Superdaddy in it to be honest. When Bubba was conceived, it was even harder. I had to prove to myself that being a teenage mom would be ok and I would not fail like they expected me to. Hell I thought SD and I would stay together until I caught his pecker in another girl. I then wished I hadn't ever told him about the baby and part of me wishes he was not there to share in the birth of Bubba. That was precious time and he didn't deserve to be part of it. Perhaps things would have turned out different who knows. When Bubba had to have surgery, I wish I could have turned back the clock to never tell SD. I was absolutely disgusted that you brought your whore to the hospital with both of you stoned out of your mind to see him. I was there, studying for school finals and you and her were stoned. Proud parent of the year you were. Asshole. Should have clued me in then. Child support was the promise I kept to SD. It has been 14 years with out any financial support. You child knows that. He knows you care for the other kids even your second oldest M who you don't see. I don't regret it other than I could have banked it for Bubba's education. We did just fine without you SD. Your loss not mine. Saturday Bubba's revised birth certificate came in the mail. Saturday was "Adoption Day" at our home. Saturday, you officially were relieved of your "fatherly sperm donor" duties to our child. Saturday you became a no body in our home. I need to thank you for giving me a very handsome heart breaker of a son who will grow up to make some lucky lady very happy one day.

DA Lord have Mercy. I am still very angry at you DA. You were my rock. You helped me to be open and honest with myself. You showed me I mattered. You treated Bubba like your own child. You made a difference in his young life. What the hell happened? I will never forgive Billy and Louie for introducing you to the "ultimate high". I know they didn't put a gun to your head but still. I cannot help but wonder if you hadn't tried it how things would have turned out. You opened my eyes to many wonderful things. For that I am eternally grateful. You let me explore my wants and needs and that is who I am today. I am no longer afraid to try different things. You and I made a beautiful little girl. She was your world. Why did heroin take that away from you and her? I will never understand. Miss J turned 10 last week. I cannot help but remember the night she was born. We barley made it to the hospital. That was one night I know you were stone cold sober. I wish that was enough to help you stay clean but Lord knows it wasn't. When we married, I intended to be married for life not for a while. I am sorry that I was not able to save our marriage. I was not willing to place our family on the back burner to heroin and your addiction. Thank you for our beautiful baby girl. She misses you so much.

To be continued another day.

Happy Easter!

The girls were sick this week. PIA only let them come over Saturday because it was the girl's birthday party. When Superdaddy went over their house on Friday, Miss G was only flushed but she was running around like a mad woman. Miss M was playing possum and clinging for attention to PIA. When PIA is nervous, she runs her mouth and boy does she spill it. For instance, she spilled that her fiancee (they are getting married 4/18 hopefully) does not indeed live in a trailer as she has insisted in the past. His parents own a trailer up north. He does not make $25 an hour driving a box truck he makes $11. She has applied for SSI disability due to a rare liver disease (from taking tyl.enol with codeine as a child) that enables her to sit on her butt because she don't want to work. She is capable of working as her liver is sick just not as sick as her hypocondriact-ness makes it out to be.

Saturday we got the papers in the mail to make Superdaddy official. Heaven forbid something happen to me before my children are old. SD will have to fight Superdaddy to have Bubba. He has not been a father for over 14 years. There has been no contact at all from SD except for an Email on Bubba's birthday since May 4, 2007 and that was a text message to tell me that his grandma died and that in fact was from his wife.

Hope everyone had a blessed Easter.

Karma the Bitch

Today was supposed to be a great day off. Today I had to take Miss J to the doctor. She keeps having sore throats. She will have her tonsils out right after school lets out this year. On the way to pick Chicky up from school, the car started making this "noise". One I have never heard before. Great I was thinking. I forgot to check the oil. No dice, I dumped 2 quarts of oil in and it is successfully 1.5 quarts too much. Seems I blew a rod or better yet a lifter. Karma the bitch bit me for all the evil things I have said about PIA and MIL this past week.

Since mom's truck got jacked, she has used Superdaddy's van. Now my van is shot. Looks like I better get better walking shoes and learn to car pool. Good thing the white fluffy cold stuff is going away soon. May have to jump my fat ass on a bicycle and loose some weight.

Look Out!

This weekend found me keeled over in bed with the flu. Friday was Miss J's birthday. She is a whopping 10. Where has the time gone? I will dedicate a post to her tomorrow. And then today is Miss G's birthday. She will have her own post on Tuesday.

As predicted by my crystal ball, PIA did the most foolish; ignorant thing this weekend. Remember last Sunday Miss S came over? Remember Superdaddy seen PIA's truck in MIL's driveway? This weekend PIA had Miss G's birthday sleepover. She had Miss J and Chicky spend the night. When I picked them up PIA stopped me at the door and told me how horrible Miss J was. How absolutely disrespectful she was and how she was a big ass liar. I was so shocked to say the least. Miss M and Chicky were so happy that Miss S was there. I didn't see her though. Through talking on the way home, it was revealed MIL was there for the party and what not. She had heart failure because Miss S was at our home and the bitch had my husband's family at her home for G's birthday. Had I known MIL would be there, my girls would not have gone there. In fact, I have decided, that PIA and MIL will not be around my girls at all. Superdaddy needs to try to get the kids away from her. She has taught them to lie and be deceitful; exactly the kind of people this country needs for the future.

Whole family again!!

For about 5 hours Sunday, our family was whole once again. Now to find the underlying cause of the "wholeness".

MIL allowed Miss S to come over and visit. She spend a great deal of time with Superdaddy being that he just got home Sunday morning. It was a blessing. When she was playing with the girls, Miss G decided to call PIA from S's phone. That sent off the PIA tornado. We will have to wait and see what the near future holds. I took the girls home while Superdaddy stayed with S and the kids. In turn, when Superdaddy took Miss S home, it appeared PIA was parked in MIL's driveway. What kind of shit is that? Calling him going off on him about S being at the house around her kids. WTF? I guess Let the games begin.

Superdaddy went to his brother's house yesterday to talk to him. I guess the house is hit. The fire tried to go to the garage but somehow managed to spare it. Superdaddy bought a snowmobile from him and a power washer from him. That power washer looks powerful enough to spray the concrete off the ground.

Miss J turns 10 Friday and Miss G; 9 on Monday. Drama sucks!!

When it rains.......

SHIT!!!!!

It appears my BIL's house had a fire. Found a posting in Craigs list. UGGG!!

This is the middle brother not the one who hit my friends car. :(

It's Not His Job Anymore!!

Superdaddy is obviously a truck driver. American Axel is on strike for about a week now. My uncle works there. They supply GM with a lot of parts. Superdaddy delivers to GM. You see where this is going. They cancelled his load for tomorrow which means he came home last night. YEAH!!. They want to send him to Kansas City today. If they send him out he will not be home this weekend :(

PIA really is something else. Get this. In Michigan we got a pretty significant snow storm dumping 5 inches in our neck of the woods. Nothing compared to St. Louis' 10 inches. She had the balls to call Superdaddy yesterday. She wanted to know if he was in town. Why you ask? She needed her snow shoveled. She has 4 children (17 year old boy, 15 year old girl, 9 year old girl, 6 year old girl). What is wrong with them helping shovel? First born has a syndrome that if he over exerts himself, he will have heart problems. What is over exertion? Playing basketball? He does. He plays for the local parks and recreation, the y and the school. Why can't he shovel snow? What about 2nd born? She is a princess who expects everyone to take care of her. She refuses to help her mom. I guess my point is, IT IS NOT HIS JOB TO TAKE CARE OF HER ANYMORE!! THEY ARE DIVORCED!!

Ignorance drives me crazy

People think that February 28 must mean March 7 or something. PIA placed a cookie order and guess what? THERE ARE NO MORE COOKIES!! I have a "leader" that thinks she can turn in her money on March 7 instead of February 28 because she was out of town. The check for $9551.52 is going to bounce tomorrow if the 3 parents that have not paid yet do not pay. What the hell is wrong with people now a days? You took the damn cookies and collected the money PAY UP!! It is not my fault you spent the money, or was out of town. I paid mine on time people!!

Superdaddy decided to jump off the deep end and got another quad on Ebay. He is supposed to pick it up this weekend or next. Then his friend that used to drive at the same company as he did called today and is selling his quad. You guessed it. We have to come up with $395 for the one off of ebay and another $500 from his friend. Plus the down payment for the 5 acres of land that has to be paid by March 15 (another $500). The money tree we planted when we moved into the house still has not sprouted at our house (poor soil I'm guessing seeing how we are drowning in rain lately).

I wish the IRS would just look at our return and tell us how much PIA gets and how much we are not getting back that way we could just juggle a little bit. Money stresses me out to no end.

Closure

It is with heavy heart that I tell everyone that our pastor appreciated all of your prayers. It was the Lord's will to have his son join him as he walks in heaven. Today I ask you to pray for comfort and peace during this Lent for Pastor Roger and Mrs. Besty as they celebrate Gioseph's life and mourn their earthly loss.

RIP Gioseph; You are missed every day by your parents, siblings, and wife. God Bless and Keep you.

I think I am jealous

It is driving me nuts I tell ya. I think I am jealous of "Pat". How can I be jealous of someone I have never met? I think I am jealous of the time she spends on the phone with Superdaddy. I don't know. All I know is this...she was heading out of town and only a few miles behind him. They met up and had lunch and when he gassed up, she waited for him. She followed him until her turn off. He invited her and her children to come to our property to get away this summer. WTF? I guess it makes time go by when you have someone to talk to on the CB or whatever.

Last night I was thinking about this and asked myself how I would feel if it was a guy such as "John" meeting up with him. I have met "John" and he really is a whiney person. I think it is funny when they do cross paths because he sometimes gets annoyed by the whininess. When John calls on the phone however, I do get upset he calls on the weekend because it is my time.

I think I am jealous of someone I have never me :(

Open letter to the past

Dear Past,

Some days you are in the front of my mind more so than the present. Not a day goes by that I do not think of the stupid shit we did. It may sound like I have a lot of regrets, but on the contrary, I do not have very many. Some of the best times were had back than when we were young enough to not think of all the consequences of our actions. Now that I am older, the one thing that is obvious is that you shaped my life and who I am today. This time of year sucks really bad. This is the time of year that "What if Lane" seems to keep creeping up.

I still regret that mom found out about the baby just a little bit too soon. You know what that means, I would have a son who would be 18 coming up. Damn that makes me feel old. Who knows what would have become with SD and myself if he would have been born. Would I still have Bubba a few short years later? God has a plan for all of us and I believe he knew what he was doing all along. One of the most difficult days was my wedding day; the day MIL told me she always thought of me as a daughter in law. That I was one of the only girls Superdaddy dated that never claimed to be pregnant. I wanted to tell her that is because I was the only one who ended up pregnant with you. I remember where you were concieved and everything. I bet Superdaddy does too. Just know baby that your mamma and superdaddy loved you and wanted you more than anything in the world.

With everything that happened with DA I have only one regret. You opened my eyes to a whole new world of happiness and sorrow. I learned to love myself first and move forward from there. I just wish I was strong enough to put a stop to the using of drugs and save our friendship with Nanna and eventually save you. I do not regret moving on hoping you got your life together. I think when I showed you I was moving on with my life without you; you gave up on getting better. I am sorry. I think your sister has not forgiven me for your death. Miss J misses her dearly.

Nanna, I wish things didn't end the way they did the day you moved out. I have never forgotten you. I still think about you often. Wondering if things could have ended different. I know you were bitter and I hope you forgive me for that. I often wonder if you thought about the good times we had together. I know I do. I wish you nothing but happiness for the future.

That was pretty tedious. I will have to continue another day.

Family rambelings

In all fairness, MIL does not let Miss S see her mother either. She does however, let her stop by my mom's house occasionally. Figure that one out.

News on PIA front, The children Still do not have beds. You will recall back in January I bitched about the girls not having beds. Well it is officially 67 days and the children still do not have beds at PIA's house. I guess she told Superdaddy that her last surgery quit working and she needs to have surgery again. Wanna hear a funny??? The last surgery was a hysterectomy and gallbladder removal. What are they going to do this time? Put them back in? Can we all say Looser with a Capital L!!

Bubba discovered text messaging his phone. Well, we don't have text messaging service so each one costs $ 0.20. The child didn't think he over did the texting until he got busted with the new phone bill that indicated 339 text messages in 1 month. That doesn't include Feb 5 to present. He is so busted.

This is the last weekend for our troop to do cookie booth at the stores. I can hardly contain my excitement. Try to stay warm and have a great weekend.

The Story of S

S is my husband's oldest. When mom and dad were together, mom had an anger problem. She pulled a knife on Superdaddy when S was only 18 months old. Superdaddy called the police and mom left before the police arrived. The cops advised Superdaddy to go elsewhere for the night because if things go awry again, they both would be arrested. He took S and went to his mom's house down the street. They stayed there for a few weeks. S had to go to the doctor for her well baby check they had welfare insurance for her. MIL had a better idea. She could get BCBS on S if they gave MIL guardianship of her. MIL apporached mom and she signed the paperwork to give MIL limited guardianship. Superdaddy thought if it is just temporary he would follow suit. Shortly after, her mom came back into the picture and tried to make things work out to keep the family together. She got violent again and his mom called the cops. The police advised them both to leave and him to stay elsewhere again. When he went to take S with him, MIL pulled the "I HAVE GUARDIANSHIP" card and he couldn't leave with her.

He has just recently found out, he is not on S's birth certificate as her mother's ex-husband is listed. The corrected birth certificate was never made corrected. Technically, Miss S is not related to him. She will be 13 in August. That is the age in our state when the judge will listen to her. The problem we will run into is going to be a douzy. She has basically no rules at MIL's home. At our home, we have rules.

The other day when I was talking with S, she was telling me about failing math. She keeps getting suspended she said for not dressing in gym and not doing her homework. I asked her if she wanted to repeat the 8th grade and her response was "Grandma will not let that happen. She knows the teachers hate me." HUH? I asked her "well if you did the work, you wouldn't fail. It is not about the teachers hating you S it is about you doing your school work." Sounds to me like she is manipulating grandma like a fiddle.

Every parents worst nightmare

The pastor of our church shared with us Sunday that his son was missing since Wednesday. My heart hurts! His son is a heroin addict. Same as Miss J's father. Apparently a blast from the past found out where he was staying and started threatening his wife and mil. He came up with a brilliant plan apparently. He asked his wife to take him to work (without his work stuff) and he hasn't been seen since. The threatening phone calls have stopped as well. The demon's of addiction have gripped another family. So many deja'vu memories have flooded back. My ex had dealers leaving messages on my car and mentioning our kids. That is why I was leaving him. To be safe for my family. He was arrested instead. He overdosed 3 years ago. I hope and pray that our pastor's family does not have to go thru the heartache we did.

The teenage years

This is Miss S from about 2 years ago. I know she was younger but still. After the incident with BIL hitting my friends car, MIL pulled Miss S from our lives. It has been such a heartache on myself and Superdaddy to go through this.

Isn't she georgous in this picture. Makes me want to know what she is thinking about.
This is why my heart hurts. More sorts of pictures like this are in her photo album. I wish I could hug her and tell her everything would be ok.

Happy Birthday Chicky!

From this at about 1 year old to....

Beacuse 4 years ago today you decided to come into the world at dinner time; Happy Valentines Day Princess Chicky. Happy Birthday to you Goofus! I cannot wait to show your children you loved to play with wormies. You were the best valentines present mommy and daddy could have ever received. Today is your day princess. Loves you more than words can ever say.

This at 3 1/2 years old. Obviously not too recent as there is no fluffy white cold snow pictured here.

My heart hurts

I have a step-daughter who is absolutely beautiful. She lives with my MIL. She will be 13 in August. We have not seen her in a little over 2 years. I occasionally seen her at Girl scout functions. I seen her Tuesday. This is cookie time for our scouts. I was helping a mom load the cookies in her car and Miss S walked by my moms house. That is where the cookies are being stored. She stopped to talk. She was so exicted to talk. I miss that little girl (who is taller than I am) more than words. My heart wretched up when she left. She gave me her email and asked me to email her. She also asked me to look her up on myspace. This will open up a whole can of worms with my MIL I am sure. I looked her up Tuesday night. I added her as my friend. Her screen name made me sad. It had her name followed by (hates her life). Tears poured down my cheek. What the heck has happened to this little girl? Looking through her pictures and stuff there is stuff that says "created to be hated" "loved by one hated by most". Mood (depressed). What can I do being that she is not allowed to come by us and we cannot go by her house. Chicky misses Miss S so much. I have brewed anger towards MIL because of all that happened and I don't know if I can ever get over it. I fogive her, but I will never forget it. My heart is broken; I am so worried about Miss S. I couldn't sleep Tuesday or Wednesday night. My heart hurts.

The Talk

So the talk was had this weekend. The talk with Superdaddy. I told him how I felt about Pat calling all the time and such. I don't think he gets how it affected me so much. Like I said before, jealousy has never been an issue and I don't know where it was coming from; the insecurity that is. Things better start looking up from here.

Dad; Thanks for looking down on me and guiding me during this difficult time in life. I miss you so much. This picture is one my grandmother took of my father not too long before he passed. At least I know dad is looking down and watching over me and the kids.

Coincidence?

Our region is getting pounded with snow. Our kids had a snow day today and it appears the snow band missed our area and headed north. We only have about 2 inhes or so. Superdaddy left out yesterday before the beating began. I hope he made it as far as he needed to so he can make it home tomorrow morning. Part of me hopes he didn't make it as far as he needed to. Apprently, Pat is coming from the south and stops near where Superdaddy stops. She is there for her 10 hour break about 9 hours before Superdaddy. When he pulls in she is getting ready to leave. As Cynnie indicated in her comment she would be worried. Is that a coincidence they stop there? I don't know. My mind is playing games on me lately. I think Superdaddy and I need some alone time. So help me Lord, she better not call this weekend.

Perhaps I feel so insecure because of the neighborhood happenings. Who knows.

Speaking of neighborhood happenings. Last night there was a bike parked by a bush in front of my house across the street. Across the street is a brick wall and a few scattered bushes and trees for 1/4 of a mile. No homes. The bike stuck out like a sore thumb seeing how the bushes/trees are barrin from the winter. When I walked in from work, Bubba met me at the door asking if he can go next door and check it out. He thought he heard banging from the house. I told him to take "killer" with him just in case. Add that to the bike and what do you come up with? I didn't send him alone, I went through the front yard and sent him through the back yard. The window DPW boarded up is still boarded up.