Post Secret

So I posted my number on Post Secret yesterday. I had some strangers share their secrets with me. I will share with you anonymously of course. It felt so good to let some of my secrets out believe it or not.

I love him with all of my heart but I worry about being married but still feeling like a single mom

When I signed the email "your weekend girlfriend" I said I was kidding but that's what I think I am.

I pretend to be scared that he's in the USAF but really I wish he'd marry me and move me far away.

I regret ever becoming a mother. I have 3 children and am expecting another soon.

I had an affair with a 30 year old married man when I was 16

I always wonder what the child inside of me felt when it died. It is 5 years later and I wonder what he/she would look like. I tell my mom I don't want kids. The reality is I don't want to loose one again.

He’s using her the same way he used me. I wish I had the courage to tell her what's going on and that he used the same lines on both of us plus others.

I feel greedy for having another child when there are so many others out in the world who want to have a child and cannot.

I have never had an orgasm.

I had an abortion at 16 and now can't look at my 7 yr old daughter without knowing she should have a 9 yr old sibling.

My husband scheduled an interview on the day we are supposed to have our ultrasound/sonogram appt. I am devistated. I secretly hope he does not get the job and he regrets missing our appt.

If I could I would move far away and never talk to my family again and I would make sure they could never find me.

I cheated on my husband. I'm scared to tell him because I don't regret it.

I still dream about my first love even though i'm happily married for 7 years and haven't seen him in 8 years. Than I feel guilty after each dream.

I once had an affair with a girl. I still think of her daily. My husband does not know this. He has my reality, she has my fantasy.

I don't want any more children but have seriously considered having another so I could see my OB more often! She rocks

Sometimes I think things will never get better for me.

She told me she was addicted to me, that she wants to be married. She made herself so vulnerable and as much as I want to protect her, shes going to get hurt.

These were the ones I received so far. Some are pretty deep revelations. Feel free to go to Frank's blog (Post Secret) and see some of the secrets that are revealed there. You will not be disappointed.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=40031276&blogID=432528289

If you care to share a secret feel free to message me and I can provide my cell number. Your secret is safe with me.

Continuing letter to past

9th grade, that was a blast. Too bad for Bubba now, I already know the tricks. If mom only knew what I really did when she dropped me off at school, she would kill me. Superdaddy what the hell were we thinking? Your mom/step father would have killed us as well if he ever found out. I guess I don't understand how or why you quit coming around. I know what reason you gave and it makes perfect sense but it still hurt like a bitch. I guess forever meant unless parents interfered.

High school sucked without Superdaddy in it to be honest. When Bubba was conceived, it was even harder. I had to prove to myself that being a teenage mom would be ok and I would not fail like they expected me to. Hell I thought SD and I would stay together until I caught his pecker in another girl. I then wished I hadn't ever told him about the baby and part of me wishes he was not there to share in the birth of Bubba. That was precious time and he didn't deserve to be part of it. Perhaps things would have turned out different who knows. When Bubba had to have surgery, I wish I could have turned back the clock to never tell SD. I was absolutely disgusted that you brought your whore to the hospital with both of you stoned out of your mind to see him. I was there, studying for school finals and you and her were stoned. Proud parent of the year you were. Asshole. Should have clued me in then. Child support was the promise I kept to SD. It has been 14 years with out any financial support. You child knows that. He knows you care for the other kids even your second oldest M who you don't see. I don't regret it other than I could have banked it for Bubba's education. We did just fine without you SD. Your loss not mine. Saturday Bubba's revised birth certificate came in the mail. Saturday was "Adoption Day" at our home. Saturday, you officially were relieved of your "fatherly sperm donor" duties to our child. Saturday you became a no body in our home. I need to thank you for giving me a very handsome heart breaker of a son who will grow up to make some lucky lady very happy one day.

DA Lord have Mercy. I am still very angry at you DA. You were my rock. You helped me to be open and honest with myself. You showed me I mattered. You treated Bubba like your own child. You made a difference in his young life. What the hell happened? I will never forgive Billy and Louie for introducing you to the "ultimate high". I know they didn't put a gun to your head but still. I cannot help but wonder if you hadn't tried it how things would have turned out. You opened my eyes to many wonderful things. For that I am eternally grateful. You let me explore my wants and needs and that is who I am today. I am no longer afraid to try different things. You and I made a beautiful little girl. She was your world. Why did heroin take that away from you and her? I will never understand. Miss J turned 10 last week. I cannot help but remember the night she was born. We barley made it to the hospital. That was one night I know you were stone cold sober. I wish that was enough to help you stay clean but Lord knows it wasn't. When we married, I intended to be married for life not for a while. I am sorry that I was not able to save our marriage. I was not willing to place our family on the back burner to heroin and your addiction. Thank you for our beautiful baby girl. She misses you so much.

To be continued another day.

Open letter to the past

Dear Past,

Some days you are in the front of my mind more so than the present. Not a day goes by that I do not think of the stupid shit we did. It may sound like I have a lot of regrets, but on the contrary, I do not have very many. Some of the best times were had back than when we were young enough to not think of all the consequences of our actions. Now that I am older, the one thing that is obvious is that you shaped my life and who I am today. This time of year sucks really bad. This is the time of year that "What if Lane" seems to keep creeping up.

I still regret that mom found out about the baby just a little bit too soon. You know what that means, I would have a son who would be 18 coming up. Damn that makes me feel old. Who knows what would have become with SD and myself if he would have been born. Would I still have Bubba a few short years later? God has a plan for all of us and I believe he knew what he was doing all along. One of the most difficult days was my wedding day; the day MIL told me she always thought of me as a daughter in law. That I was one of the only girls Superdaddy dated that never claimed to be pregnant. I wanted to tell her that is because I was the only one who ended up pregnant with you. I remember where you were concieved and everything. I bet Superdaddy does too. Just know baby that your mamma and superdaddy loved you and wanted you more than anything in the world.

With everything that happened with DA I have only one regret. You opened my eyes to a whole new world of happiness and sorrow. I learned to love myself first and move forward from there. I just wish I was strong enough to put a stop to the using of drugs and save our friendship with Nanna and eventually save you. I do not regret moving on hoping you got your life together. I think when I showed you I was moving on with my life without you; you gave up on getting better. I am sorry. I think your sister has not forgiven me for your death. Miss J misses her dearly.

Nanna, I wish things didn't end the way they did the day you moved out. I have never forgotten you. I still think about you often. Wondering if things could have ended different. I know you were bitter and I hope you forgive me for that. I often wonder if you thought about the good times we had together. I know I do. I wish you nothing but happiness for the future.

That was pretty tedious. I will have to continue another day.