Open letter to the past

Dear Past,

Some days you are in the front of my mind more so than the present. Not a day goes by that I do not think of the stupid shit we did. It may sound like I have a lot of regrets, but on the contrary, I do not have very many. Some of the best times were had back than when we were young enough to not think of all the consequences of our actions. Now that I am older, the one thing that is obvious is that you shaped my life and who I am today. This time of year sucks really bad. This is the time of year that "What if Lane" seems to keep creeping up.

I still regret that mom found out about the baby just a little bit too soon. You know what that means, I would have a son who would be 18 coming up. Damn that makes me feel old. Who knows what would have become with SD and myself if he would have been born. Would I still have Bubba a few short years later? God has a plan for all of us and I believe he knew what he was doing all along. One of the most difficult days was my wedding day; the day MIL told me she always thought of me as a daughter in law. That I was one of the only girls Superdaddy dated that never claimed to be pregnant. I wanted to tell her that is because I was the only one who ended up pregnant with you. I remember where you were concieved and everything. I bet Superdaddy does too. Just know baby that your mamma and superdaddy loved you and wanted you more than anything in the world.

With everything that happened with DA I have only one regret. You opened my eyes to a whole new world of happiness and sorrow. I learned to love myself first and move forward from there. I just wish I was strong enough to put a stop to the using of drugs and save our friendship with Nanna and eventually save you. I do not regret moving on hoping you got your life together. I think when I showed you I was moving on with my life without you; you gave up on getting better. I am sorry. I think your sister has not forgiven me for your death. Miss J misses her dearly.

Nanna, I wish things didn't end the way they did the day you moved out. I have never forgotten you. I still think about you often. Wondering if things could have ended different. I know you were bitter and I hope you forgive me for that. I often wonder if you thought about the good times we had together. I know I do. I wish you nothing but happiness for the future.

That was pretty tedious. I will have to continue another day.