I think I am jealous

It is driving me nuts I tell ya. I think I am jealous of "Pat". How can I be jealous of someone I have never met? I think I am jealous of the time she spends on the phone with Superdaddy. I don't know. All I know is this...she was heading out of town and only a few miles behind him. They met up and had lunch and when he gassed up, she waited for him. She followed him until her turn off. He invited her and her children to come to our property to get away this summer. WTF? I guess it makes time go by when you have someone to talk to on the CB or whatever.

Last night I was thinking about this and asked myself how I would feel if it was a guy such as "John" meeting up with him. I have met "John" and he really is a whiney person. I think it is funny when they do cross paths because he sometimes gets annoyed by the whininess. When John calls on the phone however, I do get upset he calls on the weekend because it is my time.

I think I am jealous of someone I have never me :(

Open letter to the past

Dear Past,

Some days you are in the front of my mind more so than the present. Not a day goes by that I do not think of the stupid shit we did. It may sound like I have a lot of regrets, but on the contrary, I do not have very many. Some of the best times were had back than when we were young enough to not think of all the consequences of our actions. Now that I am older, the one thing that is obvious is that you shaped my life and who I am today. This time of year sucks really bad. This is the time of year that "What if Lane" seems to keep creeping up.

I still regret that mom found out about the baby just a little bit too soon. You know what that means, I would have a son who would be 18 coming up. Damn that makes me feel old. Who knows what would have become with SD and myself if he would have been born. Would I still have Bubba a few short years later? God has a plan for all of us and I believe he knew what he was doing all along. One of the most difficult days was my wedding day; the day MIL told me she always thought of me as a daughter in law. That I was one of the only girls Superdaddy dated that never claimed to be pregnant. I wanted to tell her that is because I was the only one who ended up pregnant with you. I remember where you were concieved and everything. I bet Superdaddy does too. Just know baby that your mamma and superdaddy loved you and wanted you more than anything in the world.

With everything that happened with DA I have only one regret. You opened my eyes to a whole new world of happiness and sorrow. I learned to love myself first and move forward from there. I just wish I was strong enough to put a stop to the using of drugs and save our friendship with Nanna and eventually save you. I do not regret moving on hoping you got your life together. I think when I showed you I was moving on with my life without you; you gave up on getting better. I am sorry. I think your sister has not forgiven me for your death. Miss J misses her dearly.

Nanna, I wish things didn't end the way they did the day you moved out. I have never forgotten you. I still think about you often. Wondering if things could have ended different. I know you were bitter and I hope you forgive me for that. I often wonder if you thought about the good times we had together. I know I do. I wish you nothing but happiness for the future.

That was pretty tedious. I will have to continue another day.

Family rambelings

In all fairness, MIL does not let Miss S see her mother either. She does however, let her stop by my mom's house occasionally. Figure that one out.

News on PIA front, The children Still do not have beds. You will recall back in January I bitched about the girls not having beds. Well it is officially 67 days and the children still do not have beds at PIA's house. I guess she told Superdaddy that her last surgery quit working and she needs to have surgery again. Wanna hear a funny??? The last surgery was a hysterectomy and gallbladder removal. What are they going to do this time? Put them back in? Can we all say Looser with a Capital L!!

Bubba discovered text messaging his phone. Well, we don't have text messaging service so each one costs $ 0.20. The child didn't think he over did the texting until he got busted with the new phone bill that indicated 339 text messages in 1 month. That doesn't include Feb 5 to present. He is so busted.

This is the last weekend for our troop to do cookie booth at the stores. I can hardly contain my excitement. Try to stay warm and have a great weekend.

The Story of S

S is my husband's oldest. When mom and dad were together, mom had an anger problem. She pulled a knife on Superdaddy when S was only 18 months old. Superdaddy called the police and mom left before the police arrived. The cops advised Superdaddy to go elsewhere for the night because if things go awry again, they both would be arrested. He took S and went to his mom's house down the street. They stayed there for a few weeks. S had to go to the doctor for her well baby check they had welfare insurance for her. MIL had a better idea. She could get BCBS on S if they gave MIL guardianship of her. MIL apporached mom and she signed the paperwork to give MIL limited guardianship. Superdaddy thought if it is just temporary he would follow suit. Shortly after, her mom came back into the picture and tried to make things work out to keep the family together. She got violent again and his mom called the cops. The police advised them both to leave and him to stay elsewhere again. When he went to take S with him, MIL pulled the "I HAVE GUARDIANSHIP" card and he couldn't leave with her.

He has just recently found out, he is not on S's birth certificate as her mother's ex-husband is listed. The corrected birth certificate was never made corrected. Technically, Miss S is not related to him. She will be 13 in August. That is the age in our state when the judge will listen to her. The problem we will run into is going to be a douzy. She has basically no rules at MIL's home. At our home, we have rules.

The other day when I was talking with S, she was telling me about failing math. She keeps getting suspended she said for not dressing in gym and not doing her homework. I asked her if she wanted to repeat the 8th grade and her response was "Grandma will not let that happen. She knows the teachers hate me." HUH? I asked her "well if you did the work, you wouldn't fail. It is not about the teachers hating you S it is about you doing your school work." Sounds to me like she is manipulating grandma like a fiddle.

Every parents worst nightmare

The pastor of our church shared with us Sunday that his son was missing since Wednesday. My heart hurts! His son is a heroin addict. Same as Miss J's father. Apparently a blast from the past found out where he was staying and started threatening his wife and mil. He came up with a brilliant plan apparently. He asked his wife to take him to work (without his work stuff) and he hasn't been seen since. The threatening phone calls have stopped as well. The demon's of addiction have gripped another family. So many deja'vu memories have flooded back. My ex had dealers leaving messages on my car and mentioning our kids. That is why I was leaving him. To be safe for my family. He was arrested instead. He overdosed 3 years ago. I hope and pray that our pastor's family does not have to go thru the heartache we did.

The teenage years

This is Miss S from about 2 years ago. I know she was younger but still. After the incident with BIL hitting my friends car, MIL pulled Miss S from our lives. It has been such a heartache on myself and Superdaddy to go through this.

Isn't she georgous in this picture. Makes me want to know what she is thinking about.
This is why my heart hurts. More sorts of pictures like this are in her photo album. I wish I could hug her and tell her everything would be ok.

Happy Birthday Chicky!

From this at about 1 year old to....

Beacuse 4 years ago today you decided to come into the world at dinner time; Happy Valentines Day Princess Chicky. Happy Birthday to you Goofus! I cannot wait to show your children you loved to play with wormies. You were the best valentines present mommy and daddy could have ever received. Today is your day princess. Loves you more than words can ever say.

This at 3 1/2 years old. Obviously not too recent as there is no fluffy white cold snow pictured here.

My heart hurts

I have a step-daughter who is absolutely beautiful. She lives with my MIL. She will be 13 in August. We have not seen her in a little over 2 years. I occasionally seen her at Girl scout functions. I seen her Tuesday. This is cookie time for our scouts. I was helping a mom load the cookies in her car and Miss S walked by my moms house. That is where the cookies are being stored. She stopped to talk. She was so exicted to talk. I miss that little girl (who is taller than I am) more than words. My heart wretched up when she left. She gave me her email and asked me to email her. She also asked me to look her up on myspace. This will open up a whole can of worms with my MIL I am sure. I looked her up Tuesday night. I added her as my friend. Her screen name made me sad. It had her name followed by (hates her life). Tears poured down my cheek. What the heck has happened to this little girl? Looking through her pictures and stuff there is stuff that says "created to be hated" "loved by one hated by most". Mood (depressed). What can I do being that she is not allowed to come by us and we cannot go by her house. Chicky misses Miss S so much. I have brewed anger towards MIL because of all that happened and I don't know if I can ever get over it. I fogive her, but I will never forget it. My heart is broken; I am so worried about Miss S. I couldn't sleep Tuesday or Wednesday night. My heart hurts.

The Talk

So the talk was had this weekend. The talk with Superdaddy. I told him how I felt about Pat calling all the time and such. I don't think he gets how it affected me so much. Like I said before, jealousy has never been an issue and I don't know where it was coming from; the insecurity that is. Things better start looking up from here.

Dad; Thanks for looking down on me and guiding me during this difficult time in life. I miss you so much. This picture is one my grandmother took of my father not too long before he passed. At least I know dad is looking down and watching over me and the kids.

Coincidence?

Our region is getting pounded with snow. Our kids had a snow day today and it appears the snow band missed our area and headed north. We only have about 2 inhes or so. Superdaddy left out yesterday before the beating began. I hope he made it as far as he needed to so he can make it home tomorrow morning. Part of me hopes he didn't make it as far as he needed to. Apprently, Pat is coming from the south and stops near where Superdaddy stops. She is there for her 10 hour break about 9 hours before Superdaddy. When he pulls in she is getting ready to leave. As Cynnie indicated in her comment she would be worried. Is that a coincidence they stop there? I don't know. My mind is playing games on me lately. I think Superdaddy and I need some alone time. So help me Lord, she better not call this weekend.

Perhaps I feel so insecure because of the neighborhood happenings. Who knows.

Speaking of neighborhood happenings. Last night there was a bike parked by a bush in front of my house across the street. Across the street is a brick wall and a few scattered bushes and trees for 1/4 of a mile. No homes. The bike stuck out like a sore thumb seeing how the bushes/trees are barrin from the winter. When I walked in from work, Bubba met me at the door asking if he can go next door and check it out. He thought he heard banging from the house. I told him to take "killer" with him just in case. Add that to the bike and what do you come up with? I didn't send him alone, I went through the front yard and sent him through the back yard. The window DPW boarded up is still boarded up.