Almost 17 years ago she was smitten

This time of year sucks. It sucks bad.

This time 16 years ago there should have been a baby; a boy. Something is definitely off lately; perhaps all the time alone, perhaps Chicky turning 3, perhaps the talk of another baby in the future. Whatever the case may be, I miss that baby. I have been dreaming about him. He would be 16 this year; learning to drive. Superdaddy and I are back together today because of him. Because of a misunderstanding from a friend of ours about the said baby, we are together again.

I know a trip down “What If Lane” could be very dangerous. Well seems like the devil took me there and I have been there for some time now.

17 years ago, at the tender age of 15 there was a young girl who was smitten by an older boy; a boy like her dad; who stole her heart; who swept her off her feet; who caused her great happiness. One day she found out that there would be a little one. When her parents found out, they were furious and made the little one go away. This tore apart the girl and boy. With the help of her parents, they went their separate ways. Later that month, the results were in: it was a boy.

She went on to graduate high school just barely 18 years old and have Bubba. Working part time and going to college full time, that baby helped to fill a void at the time. Soon, that girl goes on to get married and have another baby. This time a girl Miss J. Thru painful trials and tribulation, the marriage ends after 5 1/2 years.

A mutual friend from a high school runs into her at work. Thru small talk, they discuss family, life after high school and well just plain life. A few months later, a letter arrives from superdaddy. With weak fingers and a fluttering heart, the letter is read. Said friend thinks Bubba is Angel baby from our relationship. He wants to talk. We get together and discuss family and life after relationship. He too has children; 3 beautiful girls to be exact. He too has been thru a painful relationship. Chatting and such led us back together and well, now there is another beautiful girl "Chicky". She will be 3 on Valentine’s day. The day for lovers. Coinsidence? I think not.

Why do I feel this way this time of year? A part of me is missing. I have 3 beautiful children and 3 beautiful step children and yet I yearn for Angel Baby. Perhaps it is because I only have 1 son. Perhaps it is because he only has daughters. Was his only chance to have a son lost 17 years ago?

Whatever the case may be, lately I am sad. Lately everything is off. Things will be off until I get out of “What If Lane”. Don’t get me wrong, we have been blessed beyond words; but lately my heart is heavy. I miss what could have been…